Monday, August 18, 2008

Subayai HA

Yesterday was the last performance of SubayaiHA. At first it seemed like a very big deal: This is a performance in THE Garden, where I first saw Hanaarashi in February 2007, where I met Ima-san, from where I started learning Butoh. Now It's August 2008, and I am performing Butoh there. And with no reserve. There were very little difficulties in making the piece - this is thanks to Ima-san, because of course she is brilliant and gave me a lot of great ideas. But the movement was all play that organically came out of the ideas. Like a serious prank. To the point that one day we were rehearsing and Ima-san said "ok, do it" (meaning, make it up and do it now like it's the performance). I ran through it, and she said "That was good, but it was 23 minutes long. Let's shoot for 10 next time." Ima-san doesn't talk like that, but that's the gist of it.

Well, now that it's over... it felt good. It was a strong performance, it was a crazy performance. At the same time, it had the air of overcompensation that someone does when they are trying really hard to do something. maybe. My mind is still looking for a place of calm when it dances. It reached that this time, although while I was onstage waiting to move, I kept thinking "there is no me." A comforting thought. Why care about what happens, how you are perceived, what your friends think, when there essentially is no you to protect? How easy is it to transform when you are cells and accumulated past and projected future existing all in the present?

I feel a little uneasy about the present, because I currently feel overwhelmed with the past and the future. The performance brought back childhood memories of the ranch, cattle, and family members. And, meanwhile, I am trying to plan to go back over christmas, but i keep debating about whether to go or not. I was ready to say "yes, i will go!" but then my partner said "Going to the US would be fun! But weren't you saying that you wanted to go to amsterdam or paris? if we went together, we would both be seeing it with new eyes." Decisions are the worst.

SubayaiHa! Butoh! Oooooooh.

Anyone have any suggestions regarding my 1 year or 5 year life plan? Just asking. Thanks!


Melissa T. said...

That sounds amazing, for lack of a more descriptive word. Your posts make me happy and peaceful. I wish I could have come to your performance!

I don't know what you should do about the holidays, but I do think that visiting somewhere with a partner where you both have beginners' eyes is amazing.

Your one-year plan should include us hanging out somewhere, somehow. Your five-year plan should include that at least five times. :-)

Sorry for giving a jovial answer to a serious question.

Matt and Elizabeth Martineau said...

CAITLIN!!!! You are such an awesome I miss hanging out with you. So I would say for Christmas Europe would be amazing. As for one year or five year, i know you'll do what makes you happy. (^_^). I would say stay in Japan as long as possible, you never know whats going to happen when you come back to the states. *hug* i hope everything is going well for you...let me know if there's anything i can do to help you out stateside...

xoxo and sparkles

p.s. would you mind if you were still in Japan, if Matt and I visited?

Evergreen loves Kilroy said...

I'm leaving you two awards on my blog! =)

Spark Gaia said...

Thanks so much Caitlin..just realised you had a blog like so proud of you dancin butoh and exploring the psychological details of performance! happy travels to family if that happens, or to paris or rome! 5 year plan? Live love grow, you're doing that. xxx